Dating After Dementia: A Journey Through Grief, Guilt and Growth
Dating After Dementia: A Journey Through Grief, Guilt and Growth
When a spouse is diagnosed with dementia, life changes in profound and painful ways. The person you knew—the partner you laughed with, leaned on and loved—begins to disappear, even as their body remains present. In the midst of this long goodbye, a question arises that many never expect to confront: Is it OK to seek love again, even while your spouse is still living?
Ken Umansky, ambassador at Cambridge Caregivers, has lived through this experience. After 47 years of marriage, his wife was diagnosed with a rare form of dementia. As the disease progressed, their relationship changed.
“She was no longer my wife,” Umansky said. “She was not there for me on a day-to-day basis. And my life changed dramatically.”
Dr. Lorie Blessing, a physician at American Best Geriatrics, says this transition is emotionally complex.
“When somebody gets a diagnosis of dementia, it is a terminal illness,” Dr. Blessing said. “So you actually start grieving before the person even gets to the end of life.”
She emphasizes that the grieving process begins early and can be long and emotionally taxing.
For Umansky, the emotional toll was intensified by social isolation.
“It’s a couple’s world,” he said. “You go out for dinner, and you become the fifth wheel.”
Compounding the pain of grief is guilt. The idea of dating while still married—even if a partner no longer recognizes you—can feel taboo.
“People are looking at you like, ‘Wait a minute, you’re married and you’re dating?’” Umansky said. That judgment, often coming from family or close friends, can be painful.
Blessing encourages addressing this guilt with compassion.
“This person is not the person you married,” she said. “Dementia robs people of their personality and their identity—they become somebody else.”
So why date again?
For Umansky, it wasn’t about replacing his wife—it was about reconnecting with life.
“It was all about companionship,” he said. “Having someone to go out with, to share emotions with, to have a shoulder to cry on.”
Counseling helped Umansky realize that his longing for connection didn’t make him disloyal—it made him human.
He said: “I went to see a psychologist who said something really important: ‘Guilty means you did something wrong. You’ve not done anything wrong here, so stop feeling guilty.’”
Dr. Blessing encourages early and open communication when a dementia diagnosis is made.
“If you don’t have these conversations early, you’ll run into problems later—especially with family members,” she said. “Include the children, talk about future wishes. It avoids a lot of heartache.”
She added that love can flourish even in unexpected places, noting that people with dementia in care facilities sometimes form new romantic relationships.
“Studies show they tend to do better with depression when they have companionship,” Dr. Blessing said. “It gives them a sense of purpose, even joy.”
When asked what advice he would give others facing similar situations, Umansky was clear: plan ahead.
“If you can afford it, get long-term care insurance early,” he said. “It’s devastating financially otherwise.”
He added, “Understand what’s going to happen. Know the stages of dementia and the impact it will have—not just on your loved one but on you.”
In the end, dating after dementia isn’t about forgetting the past. It’s about honoring it—while also giving yourself permission to find comfort, connection and perhaps even love again.
Love after loss doesn’t replace the past—it simply reminds us that, even through grief, life continues to offer hope.
Hear more from Ken Umansky and Dr. Blessing in an interview hosted by Brian Levy, on Episode 48 of the Manchester Living podcast, “Til death do us part … however.”