When Caregiving is Complicated
Supporting a Parent You’ve Struggled to Love
Caring for an aging parent is never simple. When dementia, mobility loss or other health challenges enter the picture, the responsibilities are already overwhelming. But what if your relationship with that parent has always been difficult—or even painful? What if stepping into the role of caregiver stirs up old wounds along with new worries?
That’s the reality Josh Hickman discussed in a recent episode of the Bubble Lounge podcast. In his new book, Forgetting: The Trials and Triumphs of Caregiving for a Difficult Parent with Dementia, Hickman shared his story of caring for his mother.
“We had a terrible relationship for decades,” Hickman admitted. “It’s a totally different story when you’re dealing with dementia on top of that. I had never read anything that addressed those issues, which is why I wanted to write this book—because I know I’m not alone.”
The Messy Beginning
For Hickman, caregiving began suddenly and without preparation. His father’s death left his mother alone. Hickman soon realized how poorly she was coping.
“I was totally unprepared,” he recalled. “There was a lot of learning to do, and it was tough. It wasn’t as hard physically hard so much as emotionally and psychologically — the isolation, the obligation of it.”
Those first months were filled with confusion and anger—toward himself, his mother, even the situation itself. And that anger, Hickman stressed, is not unusual. “People think it’s not normal, but it is,” he said. “It’s part of the story.”
Over time, something unexpected happened. As dementia softened some of his mother’s sharper edges, Hickman began to see a different side of her. “Near the end, she actually became a nicer person, which was kind of miraculous,” he said. “It totally changed my perspective. I look back now and see two different people—and I’m glad I got to know that later version of her.”
That shift didn’t erase years of difficulty, but it gave Hickman a measure of healing he hadn’t anticipated.
The Loneliness of Caregiving
Perhaps the hardest part, he shared, was handling caregiving alone.
“Everything fell on me, 100 percent,” he said. “People think families come together around situations like this, but that’s not always reality.”
For others heading down a similar road, Hickman recommends planning early, seeking support and finding small lifelines, whether through journaling, creative outlets or even the companionship of a pet.
Help in Navigating the Challenges
At Cambridge Caregivers, we often hear stories like Josh’s. Families may assume caregiving is always rooted in warm relationships, but the truth is many adult children step into this role with a complicated history. That doesn’t make the journey less valid or less worthy of support.
The best caregivers know how to sensitively and discreetly support family members who may be navigating complicated family dynamics, according to Cambridge Caregivers CEO Adam Lampert.
“The support we provide extends beyond the person receiving care,” he said. “When caregivers are empathetic and well-trained, they not only help ease the daily workload of caregiving: Their help can reduce the emotional strain, too.” With the right kind of in-home care, family members can reclaim space to be sons, daughters, spouses or siblings again, rather than feeling consumed by caregiving duties.
Whether your relationship with your parent or loved one has been close or complicated, with Cambridge Caregivers on your team, you don’t have to navigate caregiving alone.